some funnies...

even though it hurts me to laugh :-) I thought I would share this with you! enjoy ~*~ Kathy~*~

If you're not familiar
with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic
who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and
replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most
of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his
gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from
pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are
below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of
all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when
all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the
sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with
the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12 -
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of
invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness p ays off now.
19
- I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so
popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get
scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask
you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have
film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?